Nilla Banana Pudding, The Sweetest Sin

First published in the July 25, 1990 issue of The Camden Chronicle

Mark Twain told a story of a maiden lady who became ill. The doctor was called and after an examination declared that tobacco was the culprit.

"If you give up snuff dipping," he said, "I can almost guarantee a complete recovery."

The lady protested, "I am a clean, fastidious woman. I have never used tobacco in my life."

"Is drinking your problem?" the doctor asked. "Perhaps if you gave up the bottle, your health would improve."

Again, the patient took issue. "I am," she said, "the daughter of a long line of teetotalers. If I put a glass of the Devil's brew to my lips, Heaven would split open and Satan would cackle from his hellish throne. Never, under any circumstances, would I partake of spirits."

"Well, then," the doctor opined, "it must be your social life. If you will give up some of your gentlemen friends and live a more sedate life, your health will improve dramatically."

The lady became agitated, "Doctor! I am a lifelong spinster! The only man I have been alone with in my adult life is Deacon Waverly, and even then there is always three feet of space and a pair of overalls between us. You are barking up the wrong tree. My life is as pure as the driven snow."

"Too bad, then," said the doctor. "You have no bad habits or shortcomings to give up in order to get well. It looks like you're a goner. Good day, madam."

I posed this question to the woman I consort with: If you were suddenly taken ill and had to give up some lifelong or beloved habit to improve your health, what would it be?

"That's easy," she said. "I would give up cornbread. That's the only way I would give up cornbread -- if my life was threatened. And, if that did not work to improve my health, I would made the supreme sacrifice: I would give up porch swinging. Life without cornbread and porch swinging would hardly be worth living, anyway. A just God would not overlook such a sacrifice on my part. I feel confident that the Almighty will honor those offerings laid at his feet."

While I pondered her answer, I wondered what I would do in like circumstances. I gave up smoking long ago. I never was much of a drinker. At my age, an overactive social life would probably be more dangerous to my health than anything nature could contrive.

The only over indulgence that plagues my life is vanilla wafers. That will attest to the dullest of existences. If Mark Twain were here, I wonder how he would feel about my plight.

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Editor's note:

The Mark Twain story that Jim cites appears to be in "Following the Equator: A Journey Around The World" and is often referred to as the "Moral Pauper." Twain's version isn't quite like Jim's, but you know how storytellers embellish. One of Jim's favorite quotes from his mother was "I know that story's the truth 'cause I made it up myself." 

It's true about those dang bland cookies. There was always a box of Nabisco Vanilla Wafers in the house and there was nothing Jim loved more than the Banana Pudding recipe on the box.